My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
