I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize