i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
