my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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