well I can't set my house on fire every night
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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