So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
