He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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