If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
