very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
