I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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