I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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