areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
