I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
