I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
