In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
