Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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