By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
