nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
