What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
