It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
