I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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