i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
