i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
