I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
