why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
