i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
