Soap is not a condiment
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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