Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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