Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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