i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
