dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My cat gives me a boner
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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