You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
