I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
