My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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