Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
this will be a night to untag.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
