just come out here and I will go home with you...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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