if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
