remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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