this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
