He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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