I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
