he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
