I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I have aggressive nipples.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
send nudes
from the living room?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
