I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
