I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
