Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
