I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
