you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize