Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
