you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
