i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I could make wine with my vomit
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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