Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize