Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
