we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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