community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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