The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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