I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
