I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
