I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
