why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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