At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
