One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
