i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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