doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
