i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
