and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
