next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
