The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
