I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
