My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
